Everything falls

On my way home in a cab at 2 o' clock in the morning, i found myself crying.

I tasted the salty tears that fell down my cheeks as i took the 40 minute ride home. I didn't know it was going to burst out like that. Nothing in the cab triggered it, i wasn't prepared for it, and i most certainly didn't know how to stop it. The whole ride, i was just sitting there, waiting to arrive at my destination, crying the whole time.

When I got home, I changed my clothes, laid in bed, thought about why and what i cried about and then I fell asleep. Without coming up with any reason. But I knew in my heart there was something. In fact, there are a LOT of things. I guess, i just tried to shut everything off my mind and my heart eventhough I know it wouldn't work. Maybe that's the reason why it went down in one full blow. I kept my 'crying moments' off and scheduled it for some other time.

I knew those tears meant something. Feelings of anger, guilt, regret, pain, all came into mind and heart as i try to think of the reasons why. But more than anything - the feeling of losing someone/something.

I find myself in an unknown state that I don't know whether to go forward or backward. To accept all the things life is giving me. To say yes or no. Or to say anything at all. I have this pain in my chest that wont go away and i just dont know how to cure it. For days, I've been in this state and I just don't know how to deal anymore.

They say 'everything falls into place', I too believe that. But I'd rather coin it this way -"everything falls". Blame it on gravity, but yes everything does. You may not know when it will be, you may see it coming, you may have a hand on it, but most of the time it will gang up on you unaware. Sometimes its already there, but you still don't acknowledge it until it punches you in the face.

I've already stashed away a bucketful of tears. And i know im still going to fill up tons more in the next days. This is my punishment for being indifferent. I keep on forgetting to hold on to something. I feel in my heart it is still there. Sometimes i just want to give it up, but there's still something in me that says that i should have faith. I promised myself before I wouldn't lose it. Coz i know i couldn't live without it.

If I lose that something, life would be - unbearable.

Now I feel the tears coming down again. Somebody hand me a Kleenex.

"Life is about compromises.You may end up with something good towards the end but in one way or another those concessions leave a scar from the pain it brought you in the first place. You won't know if things will ever be the same again.You don't know if you yourself will ever be the same."