Tax Me Not

This month is just emotionally taxing. I know I would never run out of space to write all the changes that happened/is happening the past couple of weeks (and counting), but thinking about them again just brings back that painful stab in my heart.

I'll probably name a few things to which I put the blame.

The ending of a feel good show that I really really LOVE, an unexpected death in one of the books that I'm reading, a retirement in service, the frustration over social networking sites (that I thought would bring friends closer but somehow found its way to wedge between real communication), and most of all, the feeling of drifting in between and not really knowing where I belong.

Sometimes I feel that I've been lying to myself that I'm okay. I guess that's what we call coping. But it's hard. Even way harder than the first time I've dealt with it. I can try to stop whining, but that doesn't mean I don't think about what made me whine in the first place.

I know I need to stop. I know there are more people that deal with more pain than I do. But we all have our days, and most times, those days extend to months, years even. I'll try my best to dig myself out of this sinking earth.

For now, I choose to suffer, silently.

Drinking your kisses. Breathing you hair.

I woke up this morning with a big smile on my face. I just had the nicest dream. One that I did not want to wake up from. I want the kisses to continue, the long stares and sighs to last. But it was too good to be true.

I woke up.

And hated my alarm going off. Not to mention the loud music playing (that shouldn't be playing at 6 'o clock in the morning).

I just wanted to go back to my dream. I closed my eyes and tried so hard to go back to it. But I couldn't. I wish it was that easy, to go back to dreaming. And continue whatever it is that made you smile in the first place.

*sigh*

This Date (May 02, 2006) Almost 3 Years Ago *updated*

Back when the unlimited text was launched by Globe, I too, joined the craze. With nothing else to do at that time coz I quit my old job, I sent text to my close friends and asked them questions which are particularly thought provoking. I wanted to know more about them coz it's not something we talk about everyday. All that is written here is by the order these texts were sent and received. They remain true of their original form except for the initials. Those with 1 initial are the onesI can't identify. There's just that 1 initial left to identify. Maybe you can? There are only 2 men on the list and they gave the most annoying answers.

McG: pwede magtanong?

McG: ano plano mo sa buhay?

MJ: ano un?

JF: alam ko n yan? hahaha! tama b?

KV: ano un?

M: ano?
JR: anu?
KV:bkt mko tnatanong ng ganyan?uhm, cmple lang maging stable, mgkaron ng maayos n family..kakagulat k nman mgtanong.
JF: cge n nga anuuu?
M:ha?magwork..tsk mgasawa at mgkaanak. smple ln pro practical. y?
RR:ha?
KV:nahihiwagaan ako syo bkt m nga natanong?!
JR:wala. seryosong sagot un. ala akong dfnte plan basta anything dat wil lead sa pagyaman. un lang planu b un? bt nman?
DF:yes.
MJ:hahaha! ako, magaral ako ng graphic arts, mgaapply ako as artist kna jotem hbang ngaaral, kpgok n, mgaapply akong graphic artist s dubai! hehe, kaw anong plano m?
JF:hmmnn..gsto ko by 25 mgkarwork nko ng happy ako dun lhat, ung tipong dun nko tatanda ke dto s pilipinas ke abroad…un, kc from there everything will fall at d ryt place.
DF:huh? nkkgulat k nmn magtanong..kelangan b yn sa work m? plano ko..mag dubai nxt month bka alis nko..punta ka sa dispedida ko ha! tpos mag work dun hanggang sa mkaipon ng madameng salapi…bkt mu nga pala natanong?
JF:bkt? kaw?
McG:ano plano mo sa buhay? d naman un trick question ah. malinaw na malinaw.
RR:ang lawak ng tanong na yun, what abt life ang tinatanong mo mismo?
McG:everything about it.
RR:chong, ang lawak talaga nun. at mahirap sagutin sa txt sa haba ng sagot.
MJ:bkt m natanong?
CR:dko ng alam eh.parang wala pa.kaw ba?
KV:mae2, sabhn mo nga sakn bkt moko tnatanong ng ganyan.
BM:ok ü
LM:maman. wats up?
CR:mtgal na icpan to. pero as of now, ang naiicp ko p lng, find a job na wel compensated ako at msaya ako, mg-asawa ng taong krapat dapat, pag nakaipon na, magbusines at ful tym mom, wyf and tambay. Pero kng tlgang details, madaming madami pa ciempre..
BM:ha? mkhnp ng mtinong wrk at magenjoy ;) y ask?
JF:huy! vkt?
LM:d nga, seryoso ka? hnd ko alam e.. bsta pg nakaipon na kme, magpapakasal na ako. un lng naiicp

ko e. bkt?
McG:wala lang ü
JF:meron!
KV:bkt nga!
McG:curious lang.
KV:ang weird kc, bkt nga curious dn ako bkt bgla k nagtanong!
LM:ano kya un… ü
JF:ñek. anuvah!?
LL:wats up?
CU:ano po un? buhay pa ako, kung un ang tanong ü
LL:huh bkt naman? err, well, wen my parents leave. Id probably study agen wyl working. den ipon and get settled on my own, den eventually marry ü bkt?
CU:seryoso? promise? ive been given 1 last yr of indecision, 4 d meantym I help them muna, my help is still needed, nxt yr they want me 2 go 2 law skul. m stil thnking abt it, myt push thru with it, parang my form of gratitude. that’s my version of suicide. ü tapos 4 years after if JR stil stands me, we’ll start a family, small plans, small dreams ü
GA:you just did.
CU:bkt kaw wats ur plan?
BM:bat bgla mo naicip tnong? ü
DF:weh..d nga?
GC:cge ishe-share ko sayo. I want to have my MA preferably abroad. i’ll still try my luck until next year pero kung hindi talaga ibibigay sa akin ni God tapusin ko na lang MA ko dito. After that maghahanap na ako ng work outside NEDA hopefully sa donor agency. alongside, gusto ko na ciepmpre magka-BF while pursuing my dreams (naks!) kasi bago ko mag-30, I want to have my own family na.

I enjoy reading them over and over again and I'm happy that some plans have already been fulfilled! Some, I think will happen soon enough. ü

*I never got to answer my own question. :p

**Updated I found out who the mystery G was. Hehehe.

***If you aren't in this list, its probably because you had a SMART phone line, or you were abroad, or I was not interested in what you have to say. Hahaha.

Addie (ct) 01

Albert. Berting. Dugong.

That's what my friends usually call my dad. But of course in person, they add call him Tito as a sign of respect. My family calls him Addie, an edearment that my cousin Danielle started a couple of years ago which, I guess grew on everybody. Those who know me very well, or even those that I don't would say that he is really my father. But he actually isn't. Joke. Of course he is. There is no denying it, I am the (though I hate to admit it) little berting of the family. There are a lot of things that I got from him - some I wish I hadn't, and some I wish I had. He is very good at what he does and someday, if I'm lucky enough, I hope to be as good as he is. (Yeah right!)

He is celebrating his 53rd birthday today. With the old age, we relate more to him now, than ever. He's had a share of moments here (even way back in the Philippines) which just cracks us up. He's a very funny man and here are his famous antics:

• He would describe/relate people to non-living things. One he described as "mukhang manibela", another "mukhang olive oil", and someone as "mukhang sakong". Now you know where my good traits and active imagination comes from.
• After talking to a prospective employer about his salary (which was below what he asked for) he said "may ganun?" and the guy replied, 'Im sorry what was that?", my dad said "Oh, I'm sorry, there's something wrong with the phone". Talk about palusot!
• After getting poor service from FORD, he calls them up, gives a big speech which included "Did I make an appointment? Yes. Did I pay my bills? Yes. Did I arrive on time? Yes. I don't understand why this happened. Is it because I'm Asian? Is it because I don't dress well?" (The litany took about 15 -20 minutes to finish. Good job for someone who doesn't use English as his first language. Then again, I found his notebook which contained 5 pages of the speech that he was READING on the phone!) Busted. Later he admitted that he didn't sleep very well becuase he was doing the speech in his head.

Oh Addie. I am so glad to have him as a father. I look up to him most of the time. He is the person that I try so hard not to disappoint and so far I think I'm on the right track.

'May ganun?"

Things to Be.

As the curtains of 2008 close, I am getting ready for the ride of 2009.

I am not the least bit psychic, but I feel strongly that the coming year will be full of laughter, wonderful moments, and unforgettable travels. I plan to take things with much more light and think of matters in the most positive way. With the new year comes resolutions, which I make every year but hardly live up to. This year I will try to...

...never leave home without eating breakfast.
...learn how to cook.
...get all dolled-up everyday as if it's my last day on earth. hahaha!
...eat healthier.

Try lang naman diba? At least naisip kong i-try kahit de ko talaga gagawin.

Back to my strong feelings of things to be for 2009 - I vow to make those plans happen, no matter what. To those who are involved there's only one thing I have to say...

KAPIT!

Wag Kang Magulo.

Masaya ako sa kinalalagyan ko ngayon. Pwede pang mas masaya kung kagaya lang din ng dati pero alam ko nde naman mangyayare yun. Maayos na ang mga plano ko eh. Kahit papano may direksyon na akong nakikita - na alam kong lalo ko pang ikasisiya at ikaka-kalma ng buhay ko.

Kaya wag mo na ko lituhin. Wag mo na ipakita saken ung mga bagay na alam ko kahit mas maganda eh marami naman akong isasakripisyo. Kahit ikayayayaman ko pa yan eh nde ko tatanggapin.

Unang una - nakabuo na ako ng magandang relasyon dito. Pangalawa - ang mga pagaaralan ko (na libre) ay mga bagay na gustong gusto ko. Pangatlo - kahit 2 oras ako bumabyahe eh sa tingin ko eh sulit naman ang bayad saken. At ang pinakaimportante na dahilan ay ung trabaho na alam mong may tinutulungan ka - sa pagunlad ng pagkatao. Hinde ung kikita ka lang dahil may pinagkakakitaan.

Alam ko sobra sobra ang biyaya saken at maraming magandang oportunidad ang gumagawi sa landas ko. Pero alam ko naman kng ano at kung hanggang saan ang limitasyon ng mga yun. Abot langit na ang pasasalamat ko at ayaw ko naman ng abusuhin pa yun.

Ang punto ko? Dito lang ako. Kaya wag kang magulo.

The Nerve (fiction)

You held her hand tightly and squeezed it - in a way that you never held mine. You were sitting so close to her that nobody would assume you two are just friends. You had a big smile on your face, sparkly eyes, and an aura that just spells LOVE.

The girl you said you are deeply in love with is one of my close friends. So much for a keeping your hands off. You broke our (me and her) circle, or maybe just mine coz she is just as happy as you are now. Then, you both look at me with sorry and pitiful eyes. As if what you are doing or saying would hurt any less. It won't do any good. The deed has been done. And now you get the nerve to ask for my approval?

I guess I would have felt happy if I didn't know her. But I did. And all that time until the moment I woke up from the dream, the only thing I felt was RAGE. My heart was pounding with anger. It hurt.

I guess what we had is something similar. Its just that this time, with her, you gave her what I've been waiting for you to offer.

May ganun?

Dreamer

Disclaimer: I never remember my dreams. So this is a first.

I dreamt of you last night and it was as if you were here. You were near, and the sound of your voice was so vividly clear that I mistakingly thought it was true. My spirit was happy for a few minutes. But then, even in dreams, reality sinks in and it pains me to acknowledge the truth.

That for the first time eversince you went away - I miss you.

And now wish I never remembered.