It Comes in Waves

Last night I had this overwhelming feeling of loss in my heart. I tried so hard to fight back the tears but I couldn't. It felt like I've lost her all over again. I know she is still with us physically and for that I am forever grateful. But I need a miracle. I need that powerful force to grant the biggest wish in my heart.


Every night, without fail, I pray that God gives her back to us. If I had an option to give up everything in my life or even my life for that to happen, I would do it. 


Please if you can, think of my family when you pray and hope that miracles happen to those who really really need it.

Hope Withers

I light that candle every night without fail. I say the lines over and over again, begging, pleading, fighting back tears every time those words come out of my mouth.

There are days when I think that everything will be alright but then there are days that leave me weak and vulnerable.

My heart hopes so much, it hurts.

*I miss you Ate Chie*

Addie(ct) Notes 11

Me to Addie: Hanapan mo na ako ng bf at isama mo na pagbalik mo dito. Si (ex girlfriend) din isama mo na rin dito.

Addie: Putangina nya! Malandi yon! Kiri! D makapghintay! Pokpok! Kalatang!

Me: Nino? (akala ko ako! hahaha!)

Addie: Ni (ex-girlfriend)

Me: De ka naman galet nyan?

Addie: Hinde (wink emoticon)

Addie: Okay pala mag-insert ng EMOTION no?

Addie: (clapping emoticon)

Addie (LOL emoticon)

Me: emoticon ang tawag dun, tska matagal na yan no!

Addie: Alam ko, pareho lang yon!

Need I say more?

Blogging 3 Months Past

Where to start? I don't even know. All I know is that I had the busiest, happiest, most stressful 3 months of 2009.

Busiest. Happiest.

I went HOME! I got to see my family, my friends, and just about everyone I love. For almost a month, I felt like myself again. The past year of gimik-less weekends in Canada paid off. If I could spend every waking moment with my family and friends I would have. But sleep gets to all of us.

Just like old times, we travelled, went to movies, had scrumptious dinners. For a whole month, I did not miss Tutuban, chicharong bulaklak, Jollibee spaghetti + chickenjoy, tapa ni Aling Ning, Razons, Napoli, Mr. Kebab, the mango shakes and the BEACH*.

And the best of all, I got to celebrate my birthday there! :)

I don't think I could survive being away from the Philippines for a whole year. I just have to go back. It's not a want but a need. A need to see everyone. A need to be in every place that means so much to me. A need that no other place can ever fulfill.

I went home, this time without tears. Coz I know for sure I am going back very soon. For now I have the memories and about 5000 worth of photos to keep me happy 'til May 2010.

Most stressful.

How do you get over jet lag? And how do you find a place to rent in the city in under 2 weeks? That's what I had to go through when I got back. Endless days and nights of surfing the net, checking out places for rent and the difficult decisions to be made. Not to mention the amount of money to be shelled out. *sigh*

It was all worth it though coz I found the perfect place. Close to everything, new, clean, and safe. There's still more to buy to make this condo feel like our home. But the (somewhat) independent life ahead is very exciting.

There are more stuff that happened in between, and that will be blogged very very soon. :)

*We had a sidetrip to Thailand and I just have to say that nothing compares to our beautiful islands.

BUT it rocks as a shopping spot!

Addie(ct) Notes 11: YM conversation

While talking about a big change (yet again) in our lives. About Andrei and I possibly living on our own.

ADDIE: wori ko lang si andrei?
ADDIE: sana maging gf na nya si Tina* para d na sya malungkot
ADDIE: kakausapin ko si Tina* na breakin na lang nya yung Bf nya kung mayroon man

M: PARA KANG TANGA DAD
M: hahaha
M: dapat ako muna ang hinahanap mo ng BF
M: bago si ANDREI

ADDIE: sana d ko sya* makita sa labas, baka di ko mapigilan
ADDIE: tsaka ka na, pagbalik ko
ADDIE: wala pang yung lalaki na dapat sa iyo, di pa sa akin pinahihiwatig ni lord***. hahaha
ADDIE: sinabi ko yon sa sarili ko na kapag may nanloko sa inyo ni ate** na lalaki, papatayin ko!
ADDIE: o magkamali na saktan kayo, sigurado titigukin ko!

Aww. How sweet Addie.
Patayan pala eh. Deads.

*Tina - a pretty Filipina contract worker here
**ate - my older sister Louise
***lord - shet. is this a sign?

Addie(ct) Notes 07

Me: Dad, pakiturn-off mo nga ung AirWick na spray

Addie: T*ngina kagabi ko pa hinahanap kung ano ung sumisinga na yun, yan palang air freshener na yan. Akala ko kung sino ung sumusutsot at sumisinga

Me: Eh kelan mo nalaman na yun pala yun?

Addie: Eh kaninang umaga lang, nung magisa ako.

One word: Shunga. shunga.

Addie(ct) Notes 06

I come from a Filipino family and we are fond of eating anything. I mean, anything from brains to unhatched chicks and other whatnots. Since we moved here, we have been deprived of those tasty treats. Everything around here is just clean and (ugh) healthy. They just throw out all the good stuff.

One day, while Addie and Mama were out, they stumbled upon a slaughter house. Hmm. Instinct pulled them to the spot and I'm sure they were thinking of all those yummy "pulutan" you can make out of a whole pig.

Addie: Do you have intestines?

Slaughterhouse Man: Yes.

Addie: Yes! Really? Where?

Slaughterhouse Man: Here. (points to his belly).

Addie drives away disappointed.

*why don't they just give us the darn intestines!

Addie(ct) Notes 06

While chatting with my Ate with the webcam on...

Addie: sino yung nakapink sa likod mo?
Louise: dad, sako ng patatas yun
Louise: hindi tao yun
Louise: hehehehehe
Louise: kumakain sila ng almusal heheheeh
Addie: hahaha, parang nak dekwatro na nakaupo
Louise: kanina ka pa kinakawayan nila tito ron noh, mas nauna mo pa napansin ung sako na pink.

*copied from his YM message window

Addie(ct) Notes 05

While at the grocery looking for a specific brand of kitchen towels:

Addie: Ah. Ayun! spong.

Mama: Anong spong? SPONGE!

Addie: Ay! Hahaha. Nagpapatawa lang ako eh!

May ganun?

Addie(ct) Notes 04

"Anak ng *%#$!

Parang mukhang sigay lang ah!"

*send me a private message for references. hahaha!

C/H-oping

Most of the time, the best way for me to cope - is to

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shut off from everything.

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This is me coping.

*thanks for the continued prayers. we still need them.

**bjorn, salamat. now we have prayers from all over. (hugs)

Praying For A Miracle

The last time I have felt that I was about to lose someone was about 10 or 11 years ago. That was when Addie almost died. I remember I was in High School. I remember rushing him to the hospital with my Tito. I remember I was in tears - asking the doctor to "attend" to him NOW rather than later. I remember admitting him at Cardinal Santos. I remember seeing him at the ICU. I remember seeing him grow weak everyday. I remember how painful it is - even just to look at him. I remember going to school and the meal time prayer brought me to tears. I remember praying with my family, even with our eyes closed, you could hear the soft cries that each one makes.

Our family never left our side. They would take turns staying with my mom at the hospital, since us kids were still in school. They would help out in looking after us, and sourcing out "funds" for the bills. I'm not sure how long he stayed at the hospital, but those days, were the longest of my life. They never knew what was wrong with him. But we were glad that whatever it was - it went away. Recovery took a while but the important thing is, he lived.

Now, I am feeling the exact same way (from 10 years ago). My dearest Ate Peachy had an attack two nights ago. While at work, she complained of chest pains so her husband Kuya Andrew picked her up. On the way home, the chest pains were still there, she vomited in the car, had a seizure, and then lost consciousness.

He brought her to PGH, the nearest hospital they could go to. She flat-lined. No vital signs. No nothing. I refuse to think or even type the D word because I just can't. They revived her and she came back but still unconscious. They didn't have oxygen so they had to take turns to manually pump her with air. There wasn't an ambulance available so they couldn't transfer right away. This image keeps playing over and over in my head and consumes me 'til this moment. I agree with Tessa - PGH is just h*ll on earth.

Finally, they were able to transfer her at the CCU in Chinese General Hospital. They can't/haven't figured out what's wrong with her. But they (doctors) said - that her chances are slim. Damn them for saying or even thinking that she can't make this. Damn them.

She is celebrating her 39th birthday today (February 22, 2009). The kids don't have a clue of what is happening to her except for the oldest one, who kind of know that their Mom is sick. Just the thought of those girls, who I call my babies just breaks my heart. I have not stopped thinking about her and the kids since last night. I lost hours of sleep and just kept on praying.

I know that she will wake up soon and survive this. But being away, and not being able to be there for support just wavers all my faith and hope. But I have to keep strong. I am praying for a miracle. God granted us a miracle once, I know He will again.

If you have read this, please, please, please, include her and our family in your prayers.

*I don't think I can survive losing someone in our family.

It's just something I am not and will never be prepared for.

This Date (May 02, 2006) Almost 3 Years Ago *updated*

Back when the unlimited text was launched by Globe, I too, joined the craze. With nothing else to do at that time coz I quit my old job, I sent text to my close friends and asked them questions which are particularly thought provoking. I wanted to know more about them coz it's not something we talk about everyday. All that is written here is by the order these texts were sent and received. They remain true of their original form except for the initials. Those with 1 initial are the onesI can't identify. There's just that 1 initial left to identify. Maybe you can? There are only 2 men on the list and they gave the most annoying answers.

McG: pwede magtanong?

McG: ano plano mo sa buhay?

MJ: ano un?

JF: alam ko n yan? hahaha! tama b?

KV: ano un?

M: ano?
JR: anu?
KV:bkt mko tnatanong ng ganyan?uhm, cmple lang maging stable, mgkaron ng maayos n family..kakagulat k nman mgtanong.
JF: cge n nga anuuu?
M:ha?magwork..tsk mgasawa at mgkaanak. smple ln pro practical. y?
RR:ha?
KV:nahihiwagaan ako syo bkt m nga natanong?!
JR:wala. seryosong sagot un. ala akong dfnte plan basta anything dat wil lead sa pagyaman. un lang planu b un? bt nman?
DF:yes.
MJ:hahaha! ako, magaral ako ng graphic arts, mgaapply ako as artist kna jotem hbang ngaaral, kpgok n, mgaapply akong graphic artist s dubai! hehe, kaw anong plano m?
JF:hmmnn..gsto ko by 25 mgkarwork nko ng happy ako dun lhat, ung tipong dun nko tatanda ke dto s pilipinas ke abroad…un, kc from there everything will fall at d ryt place.
DF:huh? nkkgulat k nmn magtanong..kelangan b yn sa work m? plano ko..mag dubai nxt month bka alis nko..punta ka sa dispedida ko ha! tpos mag work dun hanggang sa mkaipon ng madameng salapi…bkt mu nga pala natanong?
JF:bkt? kaw?
McG:ano plano mo sa buhay? d naman un trick question ah. malinaw na malinaw.
RR:ang lawak ng tanong na yun, what abt life ang tinatanong mo mismo?
McG:everything about it.
RR:chong, ang lawak talaga nun. at mahirap sagutin sa txt sa haba ng sagot.
MJ:bkt m natanong?
CR:dko ng alam eh.parang wala pa.kaw ba?
KV:mae2, sabhn mo nga sakn bkt moko tnatanong ng ganyan.
BM:ok ü
LM:maman. wats up?
CR:mtgal na icpan to. pero as of now, ang naiicp ko p lng, find a job na wel compensated ako at msaya ako, mg-asawa ng taong krapat dapat, pag nakaipon na, magbusines at ful tym mom, wyf and tambay. Pero kng tlgang details, madaming madami pa ciempre..
BM:ha? mkhnp ng mtinong wrk at magenjoy ;) y ask?
JF:huy! vkt?
LM:d nga, seryoso ka? hnd ko alam e.. bsta pg nakaipon na kme, magpapakasal na ako. un lng naiicp

ko e. bkt?
McG:wala lang ü
JF:meron!
KV:bkt nga!
McG:curious lang.
KV:ang weird kc, bkt nga curious dn ako bkt bgla k nagtanong!
LM:ano kya un… ü
JF:ñek. anuvah!?
LL:wats up?
CU:ano po un? buhay pa ako, kung un ang tanong ü
LL:huh bkt naman? err, well, wen my parents leave. Id probably study agen wyl working. den ipon and get settled on my own, den eventually marry ü bkt?
CU:seryoso? promise? ive been given 1 last yr of indecision, 4 d meantym I help them muna, my help is still needed, nxt yr they want me 2 go 2 law skul. m stil thnking abt it, myt push thru with it, parang my form of gratitude. that’s my version of suicide. ü tapos 4 years after if JR stil stands me, we’ll start a family, small plans, small dreams ü
GA:you just did.
CU:bkt kaw wats ur plan?
BM:bat bgla mo naicip tnong? ü
DF:weh..d nga?
GC:cge ishe-share ko sayo. I want to have my MA preferably abroad. i’ll still try my luck until next year pero kung hindi talaga ibibigay sa akin ni God tapusin ko na lang MA ko dito. After that maghahanap na ako ng work outside NEDA hopefully sa donor agency. alongside, gusto ko na ciepmpre magka-BF while pursuing my dreams (naks!) kasi bago ko mag-30, I want to have my own family na.

I enjoy reading them over and over again and I'm happy that some plans have already been fulfilled! Some, I think will happen soon enough. ü

*I never got to answer my own question. :p

**Updated I found out who the mystery G was. Hehehe.

***If you aren't in this list, its probably because you had a SMART phone line, or you were abroad, or I was not interested in what you have to say. Hahaha.

Addie (ct) 01

Albert. Berting. Dugong.

That's what my friends usually call my dad. But of course in person, they add call him Tito as a sign of respect. My family calls him Addie, an edearment that my cousin Danielle started a couple of years ago which, I guess grew on everybody. Those who know me very well, or even those that I don't would say that he is really my father. But he actually isn't. Joke. Of course he is. There is no denying it, I am the (though I hate to admit it) little berting of the family. There are a lot of things that I got from him - some I wish I hadn't, and some I wish I had. He is very good at what he does and someday, if I'm lucky enough, I hope to be as good as he is. (Yeah right!)

He is celebrating his 53rd birthday today. With the old age, we relate more to him now, than ever. He's had a share of moments here (even way back in the Philippines) which just cracks us up. He's a very funny man and here are his famous antics:

• He would describe/relate people to non-living things. One he described as "mukhang manibela", another "mukhang olive oil", and someone as "mukhang sakong". Now you know where my good traits and active imagination comes from.
• After talking to a prospective employer about his salary (which was below what he asked for) he said "may ganun?" and the guy replied, 'Im sorry what was that?", my dad said "Oh, I'm sorry, there's something wrong with the phone". Talk about palusot!
• After getting poor service from FORD, he calls them up, gives a big speech which included "Did I make an appointment? Yes. Did I pay my bills? Yes. Did I arrive on time? Yes. I don't understand why this happened. Is it because I'm Asian? Is it because I don't dress well?" (The litany took about 15 -20 minutes to finish. Good job for someone who doesn't use English as his first language. Then again, I found his notebook which contained 5 pages of the speech that he was READING on the phone!) Busted. Later he admitted that he didn't sleep very well becuase he was doing the speech in his head.

Oh Addie. I am so glad to have him as a father. I look up to him most of the time. He is the person that I try so hard not to disappoint and so far I think I'm on the right track.

'May ganun?"

Things to Be.

As the curtains of 2008 close, I am getting ready for the ride of 2009.

I am not the least bit psychic, but I feel strongly that the coming year will be full of laughter, wonderful moments, and unforgettable travels. I plan to take things with much more light and think of matters in the most positive way. With the new year comes resolutions, which I make every year but hardly live up to. This year I will try to...

...never leave home without eating breakfast.
...learn how to cook.
...get all dolled-up everyday as if it's my last day on earth. hahaha!
...eat healthier.

Try lang naman diba? At least naisip kong i-try kahit de ko talaga gagawin.

Back to my strong feelings of things to be for 2009 - I vow to make those plans happen, no matter what. To those who are involved there's only one thing I have to say...

KAPIT!

It's Been 6 Months...

since we left home.

And in those 6 months, a lot of things happened. I still can't quite grasp the fact that I'm living here now. And that things are different. But I need to suck it all up like a grown up!

I feel like there are only 2 major things that happened in 2008. First was Ate's wedding. Second was moving to Canada. Those two events were a turning point of my life - for our lives. As we added one more to our family, we were bound to be separated from them. From our relatives, from our friends, from everyone. Sad, but I Thank God for the internet! If not for it, I would have gone insane.

Our stay here, was as eventful as it gets. Here are some of our family adventures - a glimpse of our life, here in Canada.

All I want for Christmas...

is for everything to go back to the way it was. Of course, that will never happen.

I am lucky enough to get more than a week's vacation during Christmas time. That's one of the perks of working in a school. I thought the free time would shake things up but I was wrong. The days passed on and I still didn't feel that Christmas spirit. Yeah, we went out shopping for gifts but there was no feeling of rush. Maybe I just miss Divi.

I didn't want to be the Grinch. I really wanted to join the Holiday Spirit but it's just isn't there. I just let the days pass, smile and greet everyone as if I mean it. At least I'm trying my best not to ruin the moment for other people. I'm doing them a favor that way.

Bottomline, I miss home. I miss celebrating Christmas there. I miss going to the mall for last-minute shopping. I miss the food, the company, the parties. I can go on and on and on. But the fact remains, that I'm here. Stuck.

I try to see the better side of things. The blessings that me and my family received. The fact that we are together here (kahit may kulang) made it a bit easier. Sigh.

Westland Moment

I've always considered myself funny. Not as hilarious as my other friends but I know how to crack jokes and execute them in the right time/way. But then going to this mall (probably the most boring mall on earth) just really rubbed its kajologsan on me.


Andrei and I were waiting for our ride at Westland Mall and a pretty girl walks by.


"Andrei nga pala" I say.


Ano yun ate? Andrei asks.


I explained to him the specifics of how that stunt works. A hot guy walks by and me and my friends sort of introduce ourselves without really doing so.


"Nde ko alam ate, na napakaforward mo pala" Andrei comments.


Sabe ko naman "Naku, sa sobrang forward ko nga, eh hinde mo na ako marerewind".


As soon as those words came out of my mouth, I regret it.


WTF?

Ba-bi.

I still feel that pain in my chest whenever I think of you. Maybe because I love and miss you at the same time. Or maybe because I know it will be a long time until I see you again - if I ever see you again.

It has been three months since we lost you. But the pain is still there. It's something that will never go away coz I've always felt responsible for your death. Maybe if we didn't leave, you'd still be alive.

They say you died alone and maybe you wanted it that way. Still, I couldn't decide whether which is more painful - seeing you die or not seeing you die.

I know we have your memories - but that's never enough. I wish you were still here with us. But I know you are watching over us from dog heaven. I hope you know we miss you so much. We love you ba-bi.

R.I.P.
POMPA
More than just a Pet - she is our Baby, our Princess, our Family
September 17, 1996 - September 11, 2008

S.A.D.

Seasonal affective disorder (SAD), also known as winter depression or winter blues, is a mood disorder in which people who have normal mental health throughout most of the year experience depressive symptoms in the winter or, less frequently, in the summer repeatedly, year after year. The US National Library of Medicine notes that "some people experience a serious mood change when the seasons change. They may sleep too much, have little energy, and crave sweets and starchy foods. They may also feel depressed. Though symptoms can be severe, they usually clear up. "The condition in the summer is often referred to as Reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder, and can also include heightened anxiety.

- Wikipedia

I don't think that less light during winter time could trigger any of my depression symptoms if I had them. I am sad enough as it is that hearing this bad news - I can probably diagnose myself with this disorder. Yup. My Ate and Kuya got denied of their Visas and I feel somewhat responsible. And its too late for me to go home. I guess some wishes do come true. And some are just plain heartbreaking. This is not something a Happy Light can fix.

So much for having a Merry Christmas.